Introduction
A common adage in parenting is “children will do as you do, not as you say.” This reflects a longstanding question in developmental psychology: Do children learn more from observing their parents’ actions than from parental instructions? Research consistently suggests that children are keen observers who often imitate their parents’ behaviors, sometimes even more readily than they follow verbal directives. This report examines psychological and developmental literature on observational learning in children, highlighting evidence that children tend to model what parents do. It also explores the implications for parenting, namely that effective teaching and socialization rely heavily on parents modeling the behaviors and values they want their children to adopt.
Observational Learning in Childhood
Observational learning (also called modeling or imitation) is the process of learning behaviors by watching others perform them. Psychologist Albert Bandura famously demonstrated observational learning in his classic Bobo doll experiments. In these studies, children who watched an adult model behaving aggressively toward a toy doll were far more likely to imitate that aggressive behavior themselves, compared to children who had seen no aggression or a non-aggressive model. Many of the children copied specific novel actions and even repeated phrases they had heard the adult say, confirming that children can learn new behaviors simply by observing others. Bandura concluded that children learn and emulate behavior by observing adult models, not merely through direct instruction or reward/punishment. In fact, even before these experiments, Bandura and Walters (1959) had noted that children with aggressive parents often exhibited more aggression, suggesting that parental behavior was being imitated by the child. These foundational findings gave rise to Social Learning Theory, which posits that much of child learning (from social habits to problem-solving strategies) comes from watching and imitating others’ actions.
Developmental science has since amassed further evidence that imitation is a fundamental learning mechanism in childhood. Infants and toddlers are sometimes called “natural copycats,” as they are continuously observing and remembering behaviors around them. Even at very young ages, children will mirror adult actions. One experiment found that toddlers as young as 14 to 24 months could imitate an adult’s novel action with a toy after watching a short demonstration on video; about 90% of 2-year-olds who saw an adult perform a new action subsequently did the same, compared to only ~20% of those who had not observed the action. This shows that very young children can learn new behaviors through observation even without direct encouragement. Likewise, numerous studies have documented infants imitating facial expressions or sounds, and by the end of the second year children readily imitate a wide range of adult behaviors. Longitudinal research has even found that the degree of imitation in the first years of life correlates with later language and social development, underlining how crucial observational learning is for normal development.
Importantly, children do not just imitate functional or necessary actions – they may “over-imitate”, copying even irrelevant or extra steps that adults demonstrate. This tendency appears to be universal. For example, a cross-cultural study of Australian preschoolers and Kalahari Bushman children found that both groups faithfully copied all the actions an adult showed them to open a puzzle box, even when some actions were clearly unnecessary. Psychologists like Mark Nielsen argue that this high-fidelity imitation (doing things exactly as adults do them) is a way children learn cultural and social norms – they assume every action by a parent or teacher might have a purpose, so they repeat it exactly. In contrast, our close primate relatives do not imitate extraneous actions; human children’s strong imitative drive seems special. This research suggests that observational learning is not only how children pick up specific behaviors, but also how they absorb broader cultural practices and values.
“Do as I Do, Not as I Say”: Actions Speak Louder than Words
A critical question for parents is whether children follow what they are told to do or what they see being done. Studies indicate that, especially for young children, observed actions often speak louder than verbal instructions. Children are remarkably attuned to inconsistency or hypocrisy between an adult’s words and deeds. If a parent’s behavior contradicts their instructions, children are likely to notice – and to mirror the behavior over the instruction. As one education expert put it, “Children are highly attuned to hypocrisy. They learn as much, or more, from watching what we actually do, rather than what we say should be done.”. In other words, merely telling a child how to behave is not very effective if the adult’s own behavior sends a different message.
Controlled experiments back this up. In one study, preschool-aged children watched an adult model perform a self-control task (delaying gratification) under different conditions. Some children saw an adult succeed at the task by using certain strategies, while other children saw an adult who failed at self-control (even if that adult had verbally promised to behave). The results were telling: children were much more likely to imitate the demonstrated self-control strategies and wait their turn successfully if the adult model actually succeeded, regardless of what the adult had said about their intentions. In fact, the adult’s actions and outcomes (whether they completed the task) influenced the children’s behavior more than the adult’s words. The researchers concluded that young children pay closer attention to what adults do than to what they say, especially when learning “how” to behave.
Similarly, children tend to trust their own observations of reality over conflicting verbal claims. For instance, if an adult verbally tells a child one thing but the child observes something different, preschoolers usually trust the evidence of their eyes. In one experiment, when an adult said a toy was hidden in one location but the child had actually seen it hidden elsewhere, children as young as preschool age overwhelmingly searched where they saw the toy being hidden, rather than where the adult told them it was. In various domains, this “action advantage” appears: children give more weight to demonstrations and actual outcomes than to verbal explanations alone. So if a parent lectures about honesty but the child catches the parent telling lies, the child is likely to internalize that dishonesty is acceptable despite the lecture. Indeed, by around age 7 children not only detect adult hypocrisy but also judge it harshly, realizing that saying one thing and doing another is morally wrong.
The takeaway is clear: children are more likely to do what parents do, rather than what they say. If there is a discrepancy, the behavior wins out. Every action a parent models is essentially a lesson being taught. Research in school settings echoes this; teachers who don’t “practice what they preach” (for example, promoting kindness but acting unkindly themselves) may inadvertently teach the opposite of their intended lessons, because students imitate the behavior they observe. In the context of parenting, this means parental modeling can powerfully undermine or reinforce messages. A consistent alignment of words and actions is most effective. As one scholar noted, “Every day, as parents and teachers, we model behaviour, attitudes, approaches and values for our children. Every action, every choice we make, sends a message… It’s not good enough to simply ask children to do as we say and not as we do.”.
Evidence of Parental Influence through Modeling
The influence of parental behavior on children has been documented across many areas of development. Beyond the lab, longitudinal and observational studies have found that children often mirror traits and habits of their parents through modeling processes. For example:
- Aggression and Empathy: As noted, children with aggressive or harsh parents are more prone to exhibit aggression themselves, presumably having learned that behavior through observation. Conversely, parents who model empathy and gentle conflict resolution tend to have children with better social skills and less aggression. Children learn significant social behaviors by watching how parents treat others.
- Anxiety and Coping: Research suggests that parental modeling also affects children’s emotional responses. In one study, children whose parents displayed anxious behaviors and avoidance tended to adopt similar anxious responses, indicating that parents can “teach” fear or calmness by example. By modeling healthy coping strategies to handle stress (e.g. taking deep breaths when frustrated), parents can instill those same calming techniques in their children.
- Moral behavior: Children’s moral development (honesty, fairness, etc.) is strongly influenced by parental example. Studies have shown that children are more likely to lie or cheat if they have observed their parents doing so, even if the parents explicitly told them not to lie. On the positive side, when parents demonstrate generosity, kindness, or honesty in everyday situations, children internalize those values. Developmental experts thus advise parents to be the kind of person they want their child to become, since children learn first and foremost from the adult’s example in moral contexts.
- Habits and lifestyle: Many everyday habits – from reading and learning to exercise and diet – are picked up via parental modeling. If a parent habitually reads books or engages in learning for fun, their child is more likely to see reading as enjoyable and emulate that behavior. In contrast, a parent who spends hours on screens but tells a child to “go read a book” may find the child unconvinced. The same goes for health habits: children of active parents tend to be more active, and children often mirror their parents’ eating habits. One study on healthy eating found that while telling children about eating vegetables has limited effect, seeing adults actually eat and enjoy vegetables provides a much stronger encouragement. Even though results can vary by context, in many cases actions (like visibly choosing nutritious foods or exercising) speak more persuasively to kids than lectures dor.
- Relationships and values: During adolescence, peers become influential, but research shows parents still profoundly shape teens’ core values and behaviors by example. Teens observe how parents handle relationships, whether they show respect and listen, how they act when angry, etc. Over time, children tend to adopt similar patterns. In fact, if the parent-child relationship is strong, teenagers often end up with attitudes and behaviors closely resembling their parents’, essentially following the role model set throughout childhood. This modeling effect extends to areas like substance use; for instance, parents who drink in moderation and model responsible behavior set an example that can deter reckless drinking in their children.
In short, a wide range of empirical studies support the idea that children learn a great deal by emulating their parents’ behavior. From toddlerhood through the teen years, parents serve as role models – intentionally or not – and kids are wired to watch and learn. As one parenting expert succinctly noted: “Children learn by watching everyone around them, especially their parents. When you use manners and good coping strategies, you teach your children to do the same.”. This expert consensus, echoed by pediatric organizations, underscores that much of a child’s learning is essentially caught from what parents do, rather than taught by what parents say.
Implications for Parenting: The Power of Modeling
Given the strong influence of observational learning, the implications for effective parenting are profound. Parents need to model the behaviors, values, and habits they want their children to develop. Telling a child how to behave will have limited impact if the parent’s own behavior sends a different message. Therefore, consistency between instruction and example is key. Here are a few practical parenting guidelines drawn from the research and expert advice:
- Align Actions with Words: Strive to “practice what you preach.” For example, if you set a rule that the child should not yell or use harsh language, make sure you also speak calmly and respectfully. Children notice when parents break the very rules they enforce, and such inconsistency can undermine the parent’s authority and the lesson. Modeling the desired behavior (speaking politely, sharing, being honest, etc.) provides a live demonstration that reinforces your words. In contrast, modeling the opposite (say, lying or losing temper) can effectively teach the opposite of what was intended.
- Be Mindful of What You Model: Everyday moments are teaching opportunities because kids are always watching. Parents can take advantage of this by consciously demonstrating positive behaviors. For instance, show empathy in front of your children – apologize when you are wrong, handle disagreements with calm discussion, manage stress with coping strategies – so your children learn those responses. If you want to instill kindness, let them see you being kind to others. Modeling is especially powerful for young children who absorb behaviors indiscriminately; as research on over-imitation shows, kids may copy even little things you do. Thus, being a good role model is one of the most effective teaching tools a parent has.
- Use Modeling to Teach Social Skills and Morals: Many parents worry about how to teach children concepts like sharing, fairness, or patience. The research suggests that demonstrating these behaviors is one of the best methods. For example, if a parent actively shares with others and points it out (e.g., “I’m lending our neighbor a tool because sharing is helpful”), a child is more likely to share. If a parent consistently tells the truth and keeps promises, the child learns integrity by example. On the other hand, if a child catches a parent in a lie (“Tell them I’m not home”), it can normalize dishonesty. Children develop their moral compass by witnessing their parents’ choices, so modeling the ethics you want to impart is crucial.
- Model Learning and Habits: If you value education or healthy habits, model them. Let your child see you reading, being curious, exercising, eating vegetables, or engaging in the behaviors you wish to promote. Parents who model a love of learning or an active lifestyle often find their children naturally follow suit. Even in areas like technology use, your habits (for example, putting down the phone during family time) set the standard for your child’s behavior. Children are more likely to accept limits or guidelines (like screen time rules) when they see their parents also adhering to them.
- Acknowledge Mistakes and Improve: No parent is perfect. There will be times when one’s actions don’t model the ideal behavior – perhaps you lose patience or raise your voice. Use those moments as teaching opportunities too. Acknowledge your mistake to your child and discuss how you intend to do better (“I was wrong to yell; I’m going to practice staying calm”). This itself models accountability and problem-solving. It shows children that even parents are learning and striving to improve, which encourages them to do the same.
In essence, effective parenting largely boils down to modeling. Research-backed parenting programs and pediatric guidelines emphasize that children learn behaviors by observing their parents in day-to-day life. Deliberately setting a good example is one of the most powerful ways to teach. As the American Academy of Pediatrics notes, when parents consistently model positive behaviors – using good manners, handling frustration in healthy ways, treating others with respect – “you teach your children to do the same” through your actions.
Conclusion
Developmental psychology research strongly supports the idea that children tend to imitate their parents’ behaviors. From infancy through adolescence, youngsters are wired to learn by watching the people closest to them – primarily parents. In many cases, children indeed learn more (and more deeply) from what parents do than from what parents say. While verbal guidance and instruction have their place, it is the day-to-day modeled behavior that provides the most consistent lesson to a child. A parent’s actions – whether positive (like showing kindness) or negative (like smoking or yelling) – are essentially a blueprint that children are likely to copy.
For parents, these findings underscore the importance of self-awareness and consistency. Effective parenting means modeling the behavior you wish to see in your child. When parents embody the values and habits they teach, children receive a clear, reinforced message. Conversely, if “do as I say, not as I do” becomes the norm, children are apt to follow the parental example and disregard the instruction. The implications extend to all areas of development: by modeling empathy, honesty, resilience, healthy living, and respectful relationships, parents set their children up to internalize those behaviors. In sum, the research consensus is that children are great imitators – so parents should give them great things to imitate. Parenting by example is not just a cliché; it is a scientifically supported principle for raising children who learn positive behaviors and values.
References (APA Style)
- American Academy of Pediatrics. (2018). How to shape & manage your young child’s behavior. HealthyChildren.org. Retrieved from HealthyChildren.org website.
- Bandura, A., Ross, D., & Ross, S. A. (1961). Transmission of aggression through imitation of aggressive models. Journal of Abnormal and Social Psychology, 63(3), 575–582.
- Corriveau, K. H., Min, G., Chin, J., & Doan, S. (2016). Do as I do, not as I say: Actions speak louder than words in preschoolers’ learning from others. Journal of Experimental Child Psychology, 143, 179–187.
- Jacobs Foundation. (2019, June 28). Why imitation in early childhood is crucial. [Blog post]. Zurich, CH: Jacobs Foundation.
- Nielsen, M., & Tomaselli, K. (2010). Overimitation in Kalahari Bushman children and the origins of human cultural cognition. Psychological Science, 21(5), 729–736.
- Reimer, K. (2018, November 9). Do as I say, not as I do: Hypocrisy in schools. Monash Lens. Retrieved from Monash University Lens website.
- Shrier, C. (2014, June 27). Young children learn by copying you! Michigan State University Extension. Retrieved from canr.msu.edu website.